Yes, you could be having better sex

Here is a great conversation that my fellow speakers for the Loving Women, Understanding Men: Better seminar on the 27th of August  had with Aphelele on Power FM.

 

If you don’t have 23 minutes to spare I have pulled out some of the highlights of the conversation below, although there are some great gems from listeners who called into the show.

3:25 Anne-Marie breaks down some of the topics that will be covered at the seminar such as “why sex often turns into a chore for women” and “how man can separate their orgasm from their ejaculation…because they are two separate processes in the body”

Did you know that?

4:57 “…until that point, he is trying to get laid and she is trying to get out of it…because there is no pleasure in it for her.”

7:15 “pornography is not pleasured based, because pleasure is sometimes boring visually because it takes time and it’s an internal process.”

9:01 “men are deep communicators if you give them the space, and sometimes it’s about taking a deep breath and not reflecting immediately, not talking back immediately…a man needs you to take a breath and allow him to talk”

9:30 “When you speak to me the same way you speak to your friends, like cutting me off to me it means you have no interest in what I have to say, therefore I don’t feel valued, therefore I don’t feel loved”

14:17 “Understand as a man, if a woman is tired her libido has fallen through the floor…sometimes the best foreplay is a clean house…so what can you do practically as a man to help your partner be less tired because tiredness for a woman is the biggest libido killer.”

21:27 “You cannot learn how to drive a car by watching die hard, you cannot learn how to make love by watching porn.”

Of course there is only so much you can say on radio, be sure to join us at the seminar. Purchase your tickets here.

 

 

DECODING WOMEN: HOW TO BE A ROMANTIC GUY

Women, we luuuuuurve romance.

I am sure you know this because we reward romantic gestures with great generosity, nudge nudge wink wink.

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image from blackpotraitsblackbeautiful.tumblr.com

This is because romantic gestures lead to a release in oxytocin, the hormone which regulates sexual response in women. More on that at the Loving Women, Understanding Men, BETTER seminar on the 27th of August. You’ve bought your tickets right?

Personally, I believe that many men want to be that romantic guy, but alas so many get it dismally wrong!

Understanding why women want a romantic guy can help you become one.

Remember people never want a thing, even if they say they do, what people ever want is a particular feeling. We pursue things because we think they will evoke the feeling we want, but anything or anyone that manages to evoke the desired feeling wins. For example, I may insist that I want a tall man. Let’s say I want a tall man because I believe that a tall man will make me feel safe (feeling safe is a biggie for women, btw), however I will be much happier with a short man who makes me feel safe, than a tall man who doesn’t. It is always the feeling that matters.

Back to romance.

Women crave romantic gestures because they make us feel special, and if we feel special we feel safe. That safety thing again. People protect the things they cherish. Think about the things you have insured and secured. Now I need you to follow this;  if it does not make me feel special, it is not romantic. No matter how much it cost you, how long it took to put together, how much someone else would want it.

Let me illustrate with two floral tales from my past.

Guy 1 – Red Roses

I love fresh flowers. You just need to walk in to my home to gather this. After a few weeks of dating Guy 1 he bought me a bouquet of 2 dozen red roses.

Not cheap.

I don’t particularly care for roses, I especially don’t like red roses. I appreciated them none the less, it’s the thought that counts, and all that. So I was pleased.

A month later he shows up on my doorstep with 24 red roses, and again the following month. As soon as I figured out the pattern, that this guy buys me two dozen red roses every pay day I decided to intervene.

Like I said, I don’t like red roses.

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I invited him to come to the flower market with me. I did a show and tell, complete with “oohs” and “aahs” when I came across flowers I love. I made sure to buy armfuls of my preferred blossoms. Despite the tutorial he continued to bring the red roses, every month on payday like clockwork.

Did it get my panties wet or my heart aflutter?

Nope.

In fact it irritated me.

Instead of saying “you are special” it said “I am not paying attention, I don’t know you, I am dumb and boring”

Guy 2 – Panty dropping bouquet

Guy 2 and I had been dating for a while. After I eventually dumped the rose guy, in fact. I liked him, but I was not that in to him, that is, until he gave me an arrangement of white St. Josephs and orange Tulips. You don’t have to know what types of flowers these are. The part you need to comprehend is the following:

  1. At the time I was completely into St. Josephs and had them all over my house. He had noticed. Score!
  2. Tulips, orange ones to be precise, were my favourite flowers. It turns out that in the past, long before we hooked up I once mentioned this in conversation. He had noted and remembered. Double Score!
  3. Tulips only flower in winter. He had to go to considerable trouble to get them in late Spring. Triple Score!

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He’d asked his friend, a colleague of mine, to deliver the bouquet  to me at work. If he’d brought it himself I would’ve jumped him right there in my office!

Make her feel special.

That is how open the brief is. It does not have to involve flowers, jewellery or pretentious restaurants. Just make her feel SPECIAL, and voila you are Mr. Romantic.

#getalonggetlaid

Akere I am seeing you at the seminar?  Get your tickets here, now.

Decoding Women: The answer to “Do I Look Fat in This?”

Babe, do I look fat in this?

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No need to resort to ending your life, this conversation can have a happy ending.
Let me let you in on some insider info.

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You may think that this is the clever response but she won’t buy it, she is female NOT stupid.

Usually when a lover asks you this question it is not because she values your opinion as a fashionista, but because she is feeling insecure. Just as much as “nothing” never really means nothing, and “fine” means you are screwed (not in the good way) in woman speak, this question is not really about jeans or weight.

When this question rears its ugly head, this is how you respond:
1 Tell her you love her and accept her exactly as she is.
2 Touch her as you say it. She needs to FEEL it. What you want to transmit is a sense of security and acceptance. This is best achieved through physical closeness. Remember this conversation has F-all to do with whatever item of clothing she is inquiring about. Unless if you are Calvin Klein or Michael Kors she has other people she’d much rather go to when she really wants an educated opinion on her appearance. Touch also has another effect on her, but you’ll have to come to the seminar to get the details on that one, and also on why women don’t just say what they mean!!!!!!

Her: “Babe, do I look fat in these jeans?”
You: As you hug her “You are perfect, I love you the way you are” or “I am the worst person to ask that question because to me you are perfect”
THEN, here is the tricky scary part. Give her honest feedback about the jeans.
This is important for 2 reasons
1 It legitimizes your response. Just in case she thinks your “you are perfect” response was an avoidance tactic.
2 If you get to the party and her friend tells her she looks like a cottage cheese filled secret sock, you are in trouble

HOW TO GIVE HER HONEST FEEDBACK?

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If she really does look great, that’s easy enough. If she would be better off in something else, give her honest feedback but remember to blame the jeans.

Let’s go!
Her: “Babe, do I look fat in these jeans?”
You: As you hug her “You are perfect, I love you the way you are. Although these jeans really don’t do you justice. The dark blue ones really show how hot you are. You know how distracted I get  when you are wearing that pair.”

Summary
–       Her needs is a security need, it’s not about fashion.
–       HOLD her as you respond
–       Blame the clothes if they must go.

Good Luck!

#getalonggetlaid

Decoding Women

For woman’s month, this is what I am doing for women (and the men who love them).

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Generally, men don’t get women. It’s okay because women don’t get men either. Mainly because we really, really, really want to believe that men are complicated.

But I digress.

Most of you guys aren’t very motivated to understand women because  you seem to have a strategy that, I must say, isn’t all that effective. You appear to believe that if you love women really hard, it will oscar-wilde-quote-fridge-magnet-3_grandemake up for the fact that you don’t understand them. You may have gotten this bad advice from Oscar Wilde. You may not know this, but Oscar Wilde had a very dubious relationship with women. I don’t think he like women very much.

You see, you can love the hell out of someone, but if your loving doesn’t get translated in the way that you intended by the object of your adoration it’s useless. Heck, it can even be damaging.

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How many times did you confidently take an action going for hero and you took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at jerk? That’s because for any communication to be effective it needs to be in the language of the receiver.

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If you hope to successfully love the shit out of your woman (and you know, get laid with more regularity seeing as  women have this strange tendency to avoid sex with guys they are pissed off with) you are going to have to put some effort into understanding her.

This is where I come in.

I am a woman. I have been coaching women for years. I have a Facebook group with almost 1500 women in it, where we talk and talk and talk and talk. I wrote a bestselling book for women. I have recently written another one which seems set to reach bestseller status as well. Basically, I know the ways of women. I also know that we really wish men understood us a lot better.

So I am going to write several blog posts throughout the month of August decoding women for men. To prove that I am as good as I’d like you to think I am, I am going to start with: “How to answer the dreaded question ‘Do I Look Fat in This?’” Believe it or not there is a way to answer this question that will leave you shining! I’ll post that tomorrow, so better watch this space.

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It gets better at the end of the month on the 27th, we have put together a breakfast seminar  where we will be decoding the key gender differences. “Why?”, you may ask. For less stress and more good sex in relationships, of course.

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I will be presenting the content with George Matsheke – the founder of MARVIN. I will decode women for men. George has the illustrious job of decoding men for women (yes, we want to return the favour) and Anne-Marie Clulow-Visser founder of Intimacy Coach SA will teach us how to have better sex, once we all learn how to get along. Anne-Marie’s courses and sessions include ReAwakening Libido for Women (especially after childbirth) How to touch a women for optimal pleasure, how to have Tantric Sex, massage and touch techniques (Sensual Arts) for women and men, how to achieve extended states of orgasm (body bliss techniques) and dealing holistically with sexual issues for couples.

I know you don’t want to miss this. Better book your tickets here, now.

 

#getalonggetlaid