What’s a Smurfette to do?

I came across an article I wrote for True Love magazine in 2011. I am reposting it because I am wondering if there’s been much change.

A friend of mine recently shared a disturbing conclusion at a dinner party. She is a Smurfette. A Smurfette, or more precisely Smurfette, seeing that there is only one, is the female Smurf. My friend, Muntu, does not have blue skin, flowing blonde locks, nor would she ever be caught dead wearing white heels, but in the way that counts the most, she is Smurfette. Smurfette is, incredulously, the only woman in Smurfville amidst a substantial population of male Smurfs. Similarly my friend, Muntu, is the only female member of her employer’s executive team.


When I last watched the Smurfs there were scant indications that Papa Smurf was looking to increase Smurfville’s female population. It appears that in Smurfville one female is enough, or perhaps there is only room for one. Muntu fears that her company having installed and seemingly stopped at a Smurfette each, on the board and the executive team, have chosen Papa Smurf’s route. As someone concerned with the equality and empowerment of women, Muntu is perturbed by the situation. She worries that remaining the executive Smurfette implies complicity. The company has impeccable BEE credentials, and thus doesn’t feel the need to address women empowerment. They only appointed the board and executive Smurfettes after they were criticized for an absence of women at the top. Sadly, the installation of the Smurfettes was seemingly enough to appease the criticism.

As Head of Communications, Muntu is in no position to change the employment policies of her organization. At best she can, and does, hire females in her department, which we all agreed is just not enough. Our country has far less women in formal employment than men. The informal employment sector on the other hand consists primarily of women. Unfortunately the informal sector is not the stuff that wealth is made of. This is subsistence earning; for a roof, food, clothing, and school fees. There is seldom medical aid when you are a domestic worker. There is no 13th cheque when you run a spaza shop. There is no pension fund when you sell magwinya at the taxi rank. Women are resilient and resourceful. The fact that we have and continue to feed, clothe, and school our children under such circumstances demonstrates that what we lack is opportunity not ability. We all know a brilliant domestic worker, office cleaner or hawker who, afforded the right opportunities would have gone far. Unfortunately if too many organizations are taking the Smurfette route it’s going to take forever to create these opportunities. Resigning, however, is more a tantrum than a solution, as we told Muntu. They’ll just find a replacement Smurfette.

Did you know that women perform 66% of the world’s work, earn 10% of the world’s income and own a measly 1% of the world’s property?[i] For many women being overworked and underpaid is a reality, not just a quip on a coffee mug. In South Africa, last year women in formal employment earned an average of 22.9% less than men. As expected, salaries are highest amongst managers and lowest amongst elementary workers such as cleaners. This is unlikely to change anytime soon as there are twice as many male managers as females. To add insult to injury, women managers earn 25% less than male managers and professional women earn 21% less than their male counterparts.[ii]Black females are the lowest paid demographic, hence the worst colour for a Smurfette is brown.

The latest U.S. Census shows that there’s been a mass exodus of minority, particularly black, women from corporate America. Tired of being underpaid and overworked they have decided to take their chances with entrepreneurship. Unfortunately women entrepreneurs in South Africa remain on the periphery of the economy. Their participation is mainly confined to crafts, hawking, personal services and the retail sector due to a range of socio-cultural constraints.[iii] So leaving the employment sector is not a great option for us.

Correcting the inequalities of our history by focusing on race is just not enough. Black South Africa is brimming with deadbeat dads. Mothers, aunts, grandmothers and sisters are the primary, often sole, providers. In this society of absentee fathers, not distinguishing between the empowerment of a black man and a black woman is irresponsible. It has been proven that when a woman’s financial circumstances improve she is inclined to invest most of the money in uplifting those close to her, whereas a man will focus on upgrading himself. Put another way, a woman who wins the lotto is likely to improve the life of her tribe; spouse, kids, close friends and relatives, whereas a man in a similar situation is likely to look move on to a new, more expensive, tribe.[iv]

What’s a Smurfette to do?

[i] Source: weareequal.org

[ii] Statistics SA Monthly Earnings of South Africa, 2010

[iii] Source: SAWEN’s South Africa Women’s Entrepreneurship Special report

[iv] Chris Fortson, “Women’s Rights Vital for Developing World”, 2003

On Being A Vase

I am unwell. I have been for a long time. I have adrenal fatigue. This means that I have been under stress, running on stress hormones like adrenalin and cortisol, (which one should only be exposed to for very short periods of time) for dangerously long enough for my body to decide to cut me off by shutting down my supply.

As the doctor explained, it’s like I have been driving my car for too long in first gear, and to prevent the engine from seizing the car cut off the petrol supply. Extending this car analogy, he observed that based on my test results it appears that I had driven from Cape to Cairo in first gear. According to the Google that is over 12 000 km😦

To be honest, none of it was news to me. I have been exhausted. Not for days, weeks or even months but for years. What I didn’t understand is knowing what I know, being who I am, doing what I do, how could I wreck myself to such an extent?

Correction. I knew exactly how I had wrecked myself – by taking on way too much responsibility, I am not called superwoman for nothing – what I didn’t know was why I keep on finding myself bearing such a heavy load.

So after a crying fit I made an impassioned plea to the universe, wanting to know why I kept on repeating this pattern. Thank Goddess the universe returned an answer loud and clear.

It turns out I mistook myself for a stove, when I should be vase.

cymbidium-ming-vase-11911You may buy a vase to hold flowers, however if you purchase a vase to place in a space you value like your home, you usually pick one you find pleasing. One that feels good to behold. One you enjoy. It pleases you whether it is presently containing flowers or empty. Simply just being a vase. It is rewarding with flowers in it, it is just as pleasant without. The vase is worthy just being. Much like babies. I, for instance, have a new niece. She is less than a month old, so she doesn’t really do anything useful but I love her fiercely. She lives on the other side of the globe and I often catch myself plotting ways to secure time and a plane ticket so I can get some cheek-to-cheek time with her.

I, on the other hand, have been operating like a stove.

stoveYou may buy the most well-crafted, top of the range stove. It may even be the price of a small car, and elicit the envy of all who enter your home. You may love your stove, how well it cooks and how great it makes your kitchen look, but if said stove stops working you will replace it, fact.

I have been a  great stove. The best stove I can be. I have perceived my value as functional. I have believed that I am worthy because of what I do. Thus I have been doing, and doing, and doing and doing. Now I am exhausted. Medically exhausted. Not, let’s go on a holiday exhausted but IV, meds and lifestyle counselling exhausted. Why? Because I have a belief that if people need me they won’t leave me. I will not be discarded as long as I am useful. The more responsibility I carry the safer I am.

I am now about to embark on an interesting journey at 40; to unlearn securing love and safety through doing and just allow myself to be worthy simply from BEING. Just like a ming vase or an irresistibly loveable baby who can’t do much of use but is an absolute love magnet we happily and easily adore, nurture, cherish and protect.

Maybe I can be like a baby IN a vase!

babyvaseNo, make that TWO babies in a vase. Wait, two FAT babies in two vases wearing FLOWERS! There I go again, trying to overDO.

Baby steps, KG, baby steps. Breathe and BE.

The Importance of Sexual Healing

“Sexual response is connected to and in turn generates a larger sense of pleasure, meaning, and interest in the world,”
― Naomi Wolf, Vagina: Revised and Updated


You heal your sexuality, You heal your life.
If you are sexually crippled in any manner, know that to the same extent so is your creativity, sense of worth, confidence and ability to attract money amongst other things. And believe me, in our society it is near impossible to come out sexually unscathed. How much more will you be capable of once you have healed your sexual wounds?

I remain committed to my mission of making uncommon knowledge accessible to enable you to create the life you want, instead of settling for what you think you can have.

There is never any need to settle. YOU ARE A GODDESS, NOT DUST.

Join me, along with Fairy godmother Donna McCallum and Top Psychic Shannon Walbran on the 1st of October as we tackle 3 “taboo” subjects – sex (in the context explained above), money and spiritual guidance at the Sex, Money and Angels seminar.

Get your tickets here.


I went to vist at Kaya FM on Monday for the Top 10 and 10 with T-bose and we had a nice chat about Mojo. What is your Mojo? How does one lose their Mojo, and more importantly how do you get it back?

Find out why I advised a caller to break up with her dream guy and the right way to handle the “list”. You know the list, the perfect guy list.



In The Goddess Academy Group on Facebook we have a powerful tradition called Thirstday, where we post the things we desire/thirst for.

I encourage people to embrace their desires, primarily because desires inspire growth.

When you thirst for something that is significantly different from your current reality you have to be willing to change in order to have that which you desire.

Image by James Taylor

Image by James Taylor

Say if you currently have R50 000 in your savings account but you want to have R500 000, you need to understand that you can’t become a person who has half a million in savings while you remain exactly as you are right now. The current you does NOT behave in a way that leads to R500 000 in the bank. Current you behaves in a way that leads to R50 000 in the bank. You will have to change, to get from here to there.

If you have been single for longer than you care to remember, but really thirst for a life partner, you will have to change.  Current you does not behave in a way that results in commitment to a life partner. Current you behaves in a way that leads to being single. You will have to change, to get from here to there.

If you weigh 80 kilos but want to weigh 55 kilos, you will have to change. Current you does not expend energy like people who weigh 55 kgs, she does not eat like a person who weighs 55 kgs, she does not process her emotions like a person who weighs 55 kgs. She expends energy like someone who weighs 80 kgs, eats like someone who weighs 80 kgs, processes her emotions like someone who weighs 80 kgs. You will have to change, to get from here to there.

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

You can’t get THAT from here.

Have you ever considered that your desires are messengers sent to signal, not that it is time to HAVE something different, but to BE someone different?



In the Absence of the Village, Mothers Struggle Most

I have ever been a fan of the nuclear family. As an African who grew up in the township in a household with extended family members, the concept sounds extremely lonely to me.


As we become increasingly more westernised households are made up of Mommy, Daddy and the babies and we don’t talk to our neighbours any more.

The pressure.

The isolation.

This reblogged article puts it so well.

In the absence of the village, we’re disadvantaged like never before. We may have more freedoms than our foremothers, but our burden remains disproportionately, oppressively heavy.

Source: In the Absence of the Village, Mothers Struggle Most

Decoding Women: 5 Things for less stress and more good sex

Loving Women Understanding men poster3

I have finally settled on 5 things to focus on for my session at the Loving Women, Understanding Men: Better breakfast seminar, this Saturday the 27th.

You see, one of the things I have learned about men is that they are generally overwhelmed by women’s capacity to talk, seemingly about a million things at one go, so to put the men at ease I am committing to 5 things. I promise to stick to these 5 things to help men decode women for less stress, misunderstanding, breakdowns, and break ups – and of course more happiness all round.

Last night my fellow speakers – Anne-Marie Clulow-Visser and George Matsheke – and I were on Mapaseka Mokwele’s show on Kaya FM sharing a preview of the seminar’s content. Listen to get a sense of what you can expect on Saturday.

So what 5 things did I pick for maximum reduction of stress and maximum increase of joy and fulfilment in romantic relationships?

  1. Focused vs. Diffused awareness. Men tend towards a focused awareness and women tend towards a diffused awareness. IMPLICATION: Women often cannot give men the undivided attention that men desire from their partners. This may leave a man feeling like he is not valued or not a priority. Guys, it’s not that she doesn’t want to focus on you – she just finds it extremely challenging to do so, yes even in bed. The good news is that I will tell you how to help her give you all the attention you want. In fact every piece of information I give will be accompanied by practical advice on how to make it work for you.
  2. Feeling Safe. Men are generally stronger and usually bigger than women, and therefore don’t quite get that safety is front and centre in women’s minds pretty much ALL the time. Therefore our sense of safety or lack thereof affects EVERYTHING else.
  3. Talking. Men and women talk in different ways, for different reasons and resulting in different effects. For example women talk, for the sake of talking and it actually makes us feel better, especially when we are talking about our problems. When we talk about our problems we release Serotonin and our stress levels go down. Talking about a problem without seeking a solution is ABSOLUTE TORTURE for a man!!! So what do you guys do? You rush us, or offer a solution which is usually the worst possible response you can go for.
  4. Stress. Stress affects men and women differently and we respond differently to it. Naturally when  a loved one is stressed you want to help, but here’s the thing; the things that relieve stress for the one gender often exacerbate it for the other. For example, see point 3 above. So your attempts to help from your point of view often you often make things worse.
  5. My super favourite sexual polarity chart. The actions that make her not want to shag you anymore even as she continues to love you to bits!

You will hear from the podcast that we are passionate about these topics. The seminar will 10 x more informative and loads of fun.

If you haven’t gotten your tickets, purchase them here.