27-Year Old Virgin

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

I asked the author to write this post for the blog after we had a lengthy conversation about her “unusual” virginity at 27. I am interested in more insights around the matter. 

Is it really unusual to be a virgin at 27 without a religious or cultural motive?

How old is “too” old? When does it start to signal a deeper issue?

Is there such a thing as the right one? If so, how do you tell?

If you do chose to comment, please keep in mind that this is not a fictional character from a TV series but a real life person and that it is not a solicitation for advice. Keep it respectful and empathetic. Thank you

–O–

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Image found on Flickr.com by purplemattfish, under Creative Commons use.

One of my biggest “secrets” that I am most embarrassed to openly talk about is the fact that I am a 27 year old virgin. When I do muster the courage to discuss it with people, I am always met with gasps of disbelief and utter disdain. And the question that I am always asked is: “Are you such a conservative Christian?” Although I was raised in the Christian faith I do not consider myself to be so conformed that I would refrain from having sex.

And what is most amusing is the fact that I can’t exactly pinpoint why I have decided to not engage in sexual intercourse yet. I grew up in a very liberal home and I have always has very open minded views about sex, I am not opposed to anyone engaging in casual sex or them having many sexual partners and I have absolutely nothing against “one night stands”, as long as the parties practice safe sex. In fact I secretly envy women who are sexually liberated, as I am curios about what the experience of sex feels like.

Another common question is whether I am lesbian and I just don’t know it yet. Well I can surely say, No I am definitely not lesbian, in fact I have a deep erotic attraction to men, I appreciate most things about them, I love how they smell, how they think and behave and above all, above all how they have the ability to make me feel safe.

Recently when I decided to open up my “secret” to a bunch of girlfriends one of them suggested that I partake in a bit of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or tapping as some like to call it. Her rational was that perhaps I have negative subconscious beliefs around sex.  While I was reluctant to tap about why I’m still a virgin, as I personally don’t think that there is anything wrong with it.

I just haven’t “found” the right one yet. Well, while tapping one of the strongest emotions that came up was a deep longing to feel safe, I didn’t grow up with a father and the biggest void this has left me with is deep sense of vulnerability which I believe a man will cure if he showers me with enough love, affection and most importantly attention. For me one of the biggest ways a man can translate love to me is by showering me with an abundance of attention.

And throughout my dating history this need has unfortunately not been met, either he doesn’t call enough or doesn’t show me enough affection. So I always end up sabotaging my relationships in order to end them.  When I do date guys for longer than 3 weeks I always ask them what their sexual expectations are in a relationship, and I always make it clear to them that my waiting period for sex is one year. Being upfront eliminates false expectations of having sex with me, as with most relationships sex is an expected part of the deal. I am not very keen on telling guys that I am still a virgin as I feel that it’s a very intimate part of me that not everyone deserves to know about.

I don’t really have any qualms about being a 27 year old virgin, it’s only when I am interrogated by people as to why I have still not been deflowered. And it is for this very reason why I am economical with the truth when it comes to my virginity, because most people want to exhaust all possible reasons that might be hindering my chances at sexual bliss. But alas, for now I’m happily ‘flowered’ and will continue to go about my business until I find the ‘one’ that I am willing to give it up for…..

 

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “27-Year Old Virgin

    • Kagiso Msimango says:

      She had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time, and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear. ‘You’re thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can’t tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.’
      ‘Perhaps it hasn’t one,’ Alice ventured to remark.
      ‘Tut, tut, child!’ said the Duchess. ‘Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.’ And she squeezed herself up closer to Alice’s side as she spoke.
      Alice did not much like keeping so close to her: first, because the Duchess was very ugly; and secondly, because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin upon Alice’s shoulder, and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin. However, she did not like to be rude, so she bore it as well as she could.
      ‘The game’s going on rather better now,’ she said, by way of keeping up the conversation a little.
      ”Tis so,’ said the Duchess: ‘and the moral of that is — “Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love, that makes the world go round!”‘
      ‘Somebody said,’ Alice whispered, ‘that it’s done by everybody minding their own business!’
      ‘Ah, well! It means much the same thing,’ said the Duchess, digging her sharp little chin into Alice’s shoulder as she added, ‘and the moral of that is — “Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.”‘
      ‘How fond she is of finding morals in things!’ Alice thought to herself.

  1. Black African Queen says:

    Reading this post made my day. I am also a virgin, I will be truning 23 this year. Like the writer said, I also don’t show this part of me as I feel that it is an intimate part of me too. Some of my friends don’t even know that I am a virgin, I just like to keep it that way as I feel that telling people creates too much unnecessary attention regarding the issue.
    My reason for remaining a virgin is also that I have not met someone that I think I could open myself up to in that way. I’ve never dated before and although it is always hard for people to believe, I’m quite comfortable with it and I am in no rush. I am quite a realistic person ( and sometimes pessimistic when it comes to relationships) so I don’t pressurise myself to be in a relationship. I just believe that it shall happen when God wants it to but until then, I’m going to live my life to the full. I have so much to live for!
    I have to admit though that I do worry about how I will feel and perceive myself once I lose my virginity one day. It has subconsciously become such an important part of my unspoken identity that I wonder who will I be if I woke up one day without it (just my thoughts). However thank you so much Ms Kagiso Msimango for allowing this beautiful lady for sharing this story with us. It was emotionally soothing to read her story, I felt like she was storytelling a part of me that I don’t normally get to speak about myself.

  2. selflovesupreme says:

    this is a really cool post.ultimately what you do or don’t do with your body and the driving factors are unique and personal to you.it is worthwhile to have your well being,empowerment and enjoyment as key driving forces as opposed to what the standards and views out there are.

  3. sidilove says:

    as choosey as we are with a pair of shoes or a dress, we should do the same with our bodies and who we interact with sexually.

    I loved this post because most teens make loosing their virginity a trend and when you are a virgin over 16 years of age these days, you are viewed as thou there is something wrong with you and some peers mock you, but this teaches us to treasure our bodies….more so our sacred parts and feelings.

    Your life, your choices so live it unapologetically your way, lead it and not just live it.

  4. Badass says:

    I am a 27 year old virgin woman too. When I was in my earlier twenties I felt more distressed about it. As I’ve aged it’s just another thing, it doesn’t matter as much to me. My principles are important.
    There is no specific reason I am a virgin; I’m an atheist, I look gorgeous, I’m physically fit and I am highly educated.
    People place too much importance on trends and what society dictates. I never want to regret decisions and I am not interested in forcing myself to give up who I am for the sake of appealing to a crowd of people who are quick to pass judgement and but not genuinely interested in my well being.

    In this life you have to do you and stand up for what you believe in. Respect others and most importantly respect yourself and your needs.

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